I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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