I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think your dad took our porno
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
