Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
