I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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