Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
