R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You work out of a Hotel?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
