Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
