Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
