Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Randomize
