is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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