why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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