I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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