I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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