her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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