ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
