I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I could fuck to npr.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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