i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
