ya dads aren't the best wingmen
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
