yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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