he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
