Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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