Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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