those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
