My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
