i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
