I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize