I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
