new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
