Got a toothbrush?
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
