I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
