How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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