So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
