Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
