you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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