im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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