I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
