Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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