her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
