I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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