i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
