What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
