You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
