Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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