He told me they were just razor bumps!
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
