names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
