it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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