i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
