my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
why do cheetos always look like penises
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
