i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
