I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
