the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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