a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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