nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
