its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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