Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
