I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
