Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize